In the realm of touch, you get to decide what counts. It’s about intention. Cultivating a practice of intimacy and connection, whatever that means to you.
Especially when returning to pleasure and touch after trauma, it can be paralyzing, anxiety inducing to engage in intimate touch. Am I doing this right? What is right for you?
By dismantling the hierarchy of intimate touch, we expand what’s possible. We open to the wisdom of the body in the present moment.
What is pleasurable in this moment? What’s erotic? What do you value? What do you truly desire? What would nurture your connection to pleasure, to your partner(s) in this moment without dysregulating your nervous system? Ask your body and honor the answer.
Is it spooning? Noticing the quality of the air, or breath? Cuddling counts, foot massage counts, whispering in each other's ears, holding hands and looking at the sky counts. How would you like to connect? Ask your body and honor the answer.
If it feels safe enough, ask your partner(s) for this touch. If it feels better to start this practice alone, start with yourself.
Consistency, like muscle memory, will make it easier to keep connecting. The felt experience of receiving acceptance and welcome. Celebrate. This is yours. You get to decide what counts.
Expanding the spectrum of what counts is a practice. Whether alone or with a partner(s) making the time to connect is the first step. Set a time container for this practice, something that feels doable and fun. Notice where resistance arises and try to follow the path of allowing and not pushing. Trust yourself at every step of the process. Set the space. Adjust the lights, choose music or silence. Welcome your intentions into this moment, name what you’re calling in and what you’re releasing. Decide if this practice is all about one person receiving or if you want to take turns. Divide the time accordingly with transition time figured in. Find the ways to ask that feel right to you. Follow your pleasure and desire, honoring that grief or other emotions may arise may arise. There is no right way to feel, only to honor and follow what feels right to you. Allow time for savouring and reflection. Notice what it feels like on the other side of this practice. If journaling feels right, do it.
Celebrate your commitment to your pleasure.